things that I've been thinking about

So, I've been at it again. Thinking, letting things ferment. Since I don't eat or drink fermented food these days, well, something has got to ferment so it has been my thoughts. More specifically, my thoughts on the first Iron Pentacle and the *things I learned that weekend*.
And yes, it would seem to be a weighty and important subject to me, having now three, yes three blogs related to it.
And so, what did I learn? Well, I learned that other people's anger creates a PTS situation for me. I love my Dad. I do. But I am not blind to his faults either. He had an explosive temper during my childhood, youth, and young adulthood. Even when I was certain I would not be a target of his anger it terrified me. Therefore, put in the situation where everyone else was stalking around acting out their anger...not the best place for me. I really felt like I was going to pass out or be sick. Really. I'm not terribly dramatic like that. I don't feign illness to get attention. I tend to go the other way and pretend to be fine when I am really ill and should go home. I'm just saying. But, I backed out of the exercise and sat with my back to the fireplace (cold and blocked off---but facing NORTH. And no, I was not intentionally aware of that at the moment.) This gave me some sense of safety or security. Whatever. It allowed me to not faint or be sick. And I had some time to collect myself. This made it possible for me to continue to participate in the class.
I was not unaware of how strong my reaction was to these events at the time. But, I've done had some experience with this and I KNEW just by the non reaction of the teacher and co-teacher that for whatever reason, no one was asking me what the hell had happened. So, I was not going to volunteer to bare my soul. People, I *give it away to keep it* every day. It don't mean that you give what you don't have. But surely we all have compassion? Or not. Anyway, I felt little or no compassion there that day. I have actually felt more compassion from strangers. No, I was not crying. Tears are not the only expression of human distress. But we seem to set great store by them. Yep, might as well deal with it now as it seems to be spilling out of the keyboard despite the fact that this was NOT the intended topic of the day. I felt badly used and abandoned by the teacher and co-teacher of the first class. Yes, Reclaiming does indeed tell people to get the proper treatment for what ever the hell ails you and Reclaiming is not it. Which it is not. But my issue is that responsibility goes just a bit further than that. Especially when teachers are being brought in from out of town to teach really powerful stuff to people they do not know working in groups they do not know. It might be better if less experienced *teachers* taught this stuff to people they work with on a regular basis. People with whom they have built a relationship and have a foundation with. See, this, I think, might be more important than making sure teachers are somehow certified. Cause then there might actually be someone left in the group to suggest that the afflicted party, me, might actually need some sort of outside help. Cause once these people were done with us there wasn't any group left to work with and there wasn't anyone left to give me a reality check. Fortunately, for me, I have a rock solid relationship with a Goddess of my Understanding and she has a rock solid relationship with me. I don't always listen the first time, but She is always persistent. So, in the end, I got the help I needed and no harm done, really. Except, now I have a fear of people leaving the group. At least I know what it's about and it's not just some nameless panic. Enough about my abandonment issues.
What I really intended to blog about today was the strength and power I have found in this whole situation. (But if you know me you might know that I do a lot, A LOT of bitching on my way to the positive view. Hence, the previous paragraph. And so, how do I see this as strength and power? Well, how about this, I held this issue for something like four years. In silence. In my heart and head until it became something I could work with. A lot like codependency. Had to hold THAT for a lot longer. And there's power in that too. Hold it I did. I was not unaware of it. No. It was just too painful to deal with before. Too close. Or it had not germinated yet. Or I had not grown enough to deal with it. Or it had not fermented long enough. See, along the way, I found that I could look with fresh and honest eyes and heart at my co dependence, and actually take positive steps to deal with it. It doesn't make it less painful but the actions allow more growth. (Step Seven)
How the hell do people do this stuff without the 12 steps? Beyond me. Cause if you read my previous posts on this subject you will see that the first thing I did was go back to meetings. Yep. The ain't witches but the got a handle on the life/soul changing stuff. They get it. Most of the witches I've worked with here in Pittsburgh don't actually go there. No, they run from there. I can't run from it. To resist is more than futile, it's fatal.
And so I find myself amazed at my own power. Amazed at my own tenacity. I could have left. I could have. I had been told to *take care of my self*. The rest of the group interpreted that as *I can't do this so I will just stop.* I can't stop. I have to break down what is difficult into pieces that I CAN do and just get on with it. In the end the results are powerful and amazing. And my relationship with the Goddess just gets deeper and stronger. Like Who held me up when I had no idea what was going on? Who pointed me in the right direction? Who gave me the strength and stamina to do the little stuff that became the big stuff in the end? Why my Higher Power, of course. We got something going on. Rock on, girls!